Children, COVID, Christmas: What will happen?

Other parents, particularly those who live relatively close to each other, prefer an arrangement where the children spend part of Christmas Day with each parent. That is fine if it works for the parents and the children but it is as well to reflect on whether or not the children would prefer a degree of continuity in one household. It would be unlikely to be a sensible arrangement if the parents live some distance apart and most would agree that extensive travel on Christmas Day should be avoided as that is unlikely to be in the best interests of the children.

Incidentally, where the children spend Christmas with one parent, it is often agreed that they will spend approximately the same length of time with the other parent over New Year.

How best to achieve an agreement

Both parents should keep a sharp focus on the wishes, feelings and needs of the children

This does not mean that the parents have to do everything that the children want: sometimes children ‘want’ things that are not in their best interests.

For example, as a general rule, children are happy with the alternate years arrangement mentioned above. However the older they become and particularly when they are in their teens, they may well have their own ideas, which could be firm ideas, of how they want to spend Christmas. Parents may find that they feel resentful about this, particularly if they feel ‘excluded’. However, such teenage thoughts and ideas are really no more than part of the normal growing up process. It is in situations like this that parents should try to be flexible.

Be ready to compromise

Even if one of the parents is able to show that this Christmas should be spent with them, if a child is resistant to doing so, good relationships are almost certainly not going to be enhanced by adopting an inflexible position. An agreement of arrangements made when children are very young may become irrelevant, even unworkable, eight or ten years later.

Resolving issues, including a willingness to compromise, involves the need for communication between parents.

Communication between parents

If there is one key to resolving issues around all arrangements between a separated couple, including those relating to the arrangements for the children, it is a willingness to communicate in a reasonable way.

Of course, particularly if there is bad faith and resentment, this can be very difficult. Most parents will, however, remember that it will be the children who will suffer the most if they are aware that their parents are constantly bickering, or worse.

If speaking directly to the other parent, either face to face or by phone, is impossible or has not resolved matters, then a written communication is better than none. Either way, do everything possible to avoid harsh criticism (even if it is felt to be justified) because in most cases that will only raise the emotional temperature, rather than lead to a solution.

Plan ahead and abide by the arrangements

The best way to make sure that arrangements are in hand and are agreed is to discuss them well in advance. Do not leave it until the last moment: quite apart from the likely disappointment the children will feel, it makes it very difficult to do anything about it if it is too late.

Having made the arrangements, the golden rule is to stick to them. Children find it devastating if they are told that, for example, their mother will be picking them up at a certain time, only for her not to arrive approximately on time or, worse still, at all. If delayed or arrangements have to change for an emergency, call ahead and explain the situation.

What if it proves impossible to achieve agreement?

Consult a family lawyer